Friendship is a mystery.
I feel that it is more often influenced by timing and disagreement than likes and dislikes.
When I traced the history of my friends back to the lower grades of elementary school, I was always fooling around with four good friends. At that time, I had a correct understanding of the inside, and I spent most of my time in groups with men, with little talk to girls.
Koshiro, when my friend and I made a mountain in the sandbox of the park, created a story of a lonely robot climbing the mountain, and laughed at it, the girls of the classmates argued that it was double and single with a mirror in one hand. Was there. From this time on, girls were already different creatures.
I met Yabusaka in junior high school.
Born in a relatively wealthy family and raised without any inconvenience, Yabuzaka is a type who does not hesitate to express the rude and prejudiced impressions that he thought in his heart. I was so tired that I was often disliked when I had a long relationship.
I met him in the first year of junior high school, but by the end of the second semester he was completely hated and almost isolated, and I was the only one to talk to.
The reason I was talking to me was because I was talked to. I would have just talked to me because there was no other person to deal with.
I didn’t reject Yabuzaka while the people around me avoided it, and I didn’t really like him or sympathize with him. I just didn’t care about the stress on others in Yabusaka.
The stress and weaknesses for me were in a place that was a little different from other human beings, and Yabusaka didn’t stimulate it at all.
The stress for me is to be expected.
It makes me wonder if I’m looking smart, rich, growing up, hate bending, and so on.
From an early age, my self-consciousness was so low that I didn’t really know what kind of person I was, how I wanted to be seen, and I didn’t want to be that kind of person. For example, I lived in the sand in the sandbox, the fallen leaves in the park, and the mentality similar to that, with a smooth or dry feeling.
One day, when I was told, “You are different from other sands! It’s wonderful!”, The sand that I woke up was only sand, but I became self-conscious. And I’m afraid to be told, “Is it just sand?”
The self-consciousness that was brought in by others and sprang up in a place that was not inside me at all was very strong.
The image is solidified by others, and if it is different, it may be disappointing.
Suddenly discouraged by others, it irritated my guilt. And it was there with guilt and another fear.
I studied so as not to be disappointed, and thanks to that, I knew the joy of studying.
Even if evaluated by others, the self-evaluation did not increase. Because it just played what others expected, not my original qualities.
I’m sand. It’s just there.
I’m not really the kind of person people expect.
I could have imagined many things from the people around me, but I still had no idea what kind of person I should be as my personal belongings and how I wanted to be.
There was no desire to be recognized by others. I was desperate to not be discouraged, but it was only impatience and stress. If approved, expectations will grow. It’s getting harder and harder.
Yabusaka thinks I’m a talented person, but when I get a low score in the test, even when I’m told “Ah? Sakura-kun …”, “Well, you’re stupid! You’re stupid! I was laughing.
Not being expected from the beginning is not discouraging. It was easy to think of sand as sand.
Even so, girls did not treat it so much in junior high school. This was a mysterious culture that was born in a high school where private, well-bred people gathered.
Until junior high school, I was asked for contact information a little more normally. However, I didn’t have a cell phone, so I couldn’t tell.
In the first place, I didn’t have a favorite girl.
I think it’s cute, but girls were a lot of stress for me.
It’s easier to be disrespected if you don’t think you’re a good person, so it’s harder to make friends than a matomo person who cares about others.
Even in high school classes, I sometimes talk to matomo boys, and I talk at such times. Unlike girls, she can speak normally. However, it tends to be something of an ad hoc concern, and there is no progress.
However, of course, I can’t make friends with people who are making fun of me or who are hostile. I’d like to be treated appropriately as it is, but that didn’t come true because I had already characterized and played the “respected self” that others expected in my life up to that point.
And it was Toru Yabusaka that always remained. That’s it. Causally, it became the same until high school. My only junior high school graduates were me and Yabusaka.
There is a line that was said when Yabusaka was shaken by her in a week.
“I didn’t think he was that kind of person.”
He said, “I don’t know. This is me.”
Again, friendship is not a favorite or a dislike, and is easily influenced by timing and compatibility. There is even a fragile friendship that has been uselessly growing annual rings.
That’s the only thing I’m friends with Yabusaka and his friends, who are stupid, insensitive, calm, and rude.